Klepto'd
by Beff
Summary: Chapter 13! He had to go and do it... way to go, Genma. Now you pissed Tsunade off. Now FIX it. And you have until dawn. Poor, poor Iruka. WIP. Rated for potty mouths and !very! dirty minds. Chapter 13: This is it. The End.
1. In Which Genma does a bad thing

**Author's Note: **Wow, its been quite a while since I posted anything. I had a muse strike me, and I had no choice. This idea's been bouncing around in my skull for a bit, and I had to actually type. I'm not really into author's notes or anything like that, so I have no idea what to say in one, lol.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my little stuffed Kakashi. :)

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"Klepto'd"

For Iruka, it had been an interminably long day already, and it was only late afternoon. Midterms were things to be dreaded, especially with the current shortage of nin to send on assignment. He felt like a character in some bad manga - school-teacher by day, superhero at night, defending the rights of the innocent and down-trodden. _Yeah, right_. With his not-fantastically-high chakra levels, he was ideal for scout work; less chance of a chakra flare giving him away. And Tsunade, the kind-hearted woman that she was, had pounced on that fact. Every night for the last month he had been out, and it was starting to wear on his nerves.

_Kind-hearted? _He snorted. _Like a rabid dog_, Iruka's mind-voice chided. _And about as cuddly as a porcupine_. In fact, just the week before, some poor nin had made the fatal mistake of knocking a near-full tumbler of sake off Tsunade's desk while turning in some paperwork... word on the gossip vine said that Aoba was still scrubbing the ANBU lockerrooms with a toothbrush. With his hands tied behind his back. Iruka shuddered. Those ANBU... on-duty, they were hard-core and bad-assed. Off-duty? Like a bunch of sixteen-year-olds who had broken into their parents sake-stash. With the bladder control to match. Iruka felt a pang of sympathy. He occasionally had janitorial duty at the academy. That was nothing compared to Aoba's suffering.

Iruka sighed, glancing at the wall-clock in the classroom. It was almost time for his duty shift at the mission desk. Thrilling. Dealing with bored nin who had either already handed in their mission reports or who were waiting to be assigned missions was worse than dealing with the dear, sweet tots that he dealt with daily. It was like taking Konohamaru, inserting him into the Inuzaka clan (and thereby adding at least one dog to his act), and running an IV of caffiene directly into his system. It was a recipe for disaster. And bored nin were far more childish than even his youngest class. Those dear cherubs, only five and six, were only allowed plastic, albeit weighted kunai. The nin in the mission office often thought it was fun to stand some poor bastar- err... messenger genin, against the wall and then throw senbon at them until they had an entire outline.

Gathering up his never-ending stack of papers to grade, he shoved them unceremoniously into his satchel, then grabbed his empty coffee cup. It was Raido and Genma's shift in the mission office right now, and while Genma certainly came across as a whore sometimes, his true love (after Rai, of course) was coffee. His scheduled shift was until midnight. He was definately going to need some.

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It was so quiet, you could have heard a senbon drop. The mission office had it's normal complement of people, but all were stock-still and shell-shocked. Iruka was confused. Even Gai, the Mighty Green Beast of Konoha, looked submissive. His legwarmers even looked subdued - more a faded red today then their normal fluroescent orange. No booming welcome greeted him. There was something wrong.

Lady Tsunade herself sat at the mission desk, holding a pencil before her face. Her face, usually unlined and relaxed, had a strange, evil look to it. Iruka gulped. Who did what now?

Trying to ignore the scene, Iruka strode forward, then gave a short bow to his Hokage. "Er, Lady Tsunade, is there something the matter?" He figured the clueless approach would be the best option.

This was, and Iruka realized it as soon as the cursed words left his mouth, of course, the wrong thing to say.

"Is something the matter?" she asked, her voice rising. "What _ever_ would be the matter, Iruka-sensei? Why would there even _be_ something the matter? You have a guilty conscience? You think there's something wrong?" Off to the side and behind Tsunade's field of view, Izumo and Kotetsu were making no-no motions, desperately trying to save their friend from the mess he'd walked in on. Conspicuous in his absence was Genma, who's shift he'd been about to relieve.

Tsunade growled, forcing Iruka's eyes away from Ko and Izu. "_Someone_ here thought it would be cute to not only hide my sake, but s_omeone_ thought it would be cute," the way she boomed the word, you could tell she didn't think it was very much so, "to hide my coffee! Now, I'm normally a calm woman, but not even the Hyuuga have been able to find it!" It was then Iruka noticed both Neji and Hinata hiding behind Gai, both looking like they had undergone the entire chuunin exam all over again. Tsunade took no notice, and just kept plowing ahead, her voice raspy with emotion. "I've questioned every other nin here, so now it's up to you. Iruka-sensei. Where is Genma, that coffee-thieving bastard?"

Iruka couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing.

The room seemed, if it were possible, to go even more silent. Surely the chuunin had lost it? Laughing at the Hokage, when she was in instant-death-mode? This was a far worse mood than she had been in when she had punished Aoba; it was a chilling thought.

"Lady Tsunade, I assure you, I have no honest idea where Genma-san could possibly be." He wiped a tear from his eye, not seeing the sweat form on her brow. "I'd just like to take over for my shift so I-"

"Silence!" she boomed as the pencil snapped in half. Splinters flew across the room, and more than one shinobi had to throw himself out of the way of the shrapnel. As it was, some of the shards embedded themselves into the far wall. It was amazing how much wood they had actually used to assemble the pencil. A muffled yelp was heard from Asuma, who was picking a dagger-sized splinter out from his shoulder.

Shoving her chair back roughly, Tsunade glowered at the entire room. "I want my coffee, or my sake, damnit, and I want them _now_." She glanced at the clock. "You have until dawn tomorrow. If there isn't a steaming cup of coffee on my nightstand by dawn, you'll all-" she stopped, unsure of how evil her punishment was going to be, but on too much of a roll to care. "You'll all regret it! The clock's ticking!"

She _poofed_ away in a small puff of gray smoke, and all the remaining nin stood silent in shock.

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Reviews get you cookies. .


	2. In which Gai does many poses

**Author's Note:** Yay for chapter 2! I know, I know... It took me the better part of a week to write this, and it isn't even that long. Take pity on those of us who have to type up their writings while at work because their computer at home only produces the blue screen of death.

**Disclaimer:** Anyway, I own nothing, yada yada. Honestly. If I owned anything of any value, you think I would be posting here? ;D

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**Chapter 2**

The silence lasted far less than one would have thought, given that the room was populated by a score or so of highly-highly trained, professional ninja. Three seconds.

Then all hell broke loose.

Everyone began speaking at once, if you could "speak" at the top of your voice. Asuma began whining about blood on his only clean vest while Kurenai yelled at him for not doing laundry _again_. Gai was commenting loudly on how "unhip" Tsunade was being and how she had obviously left the springtime of her youth and entered the winter of her discontent. Even Nara Shikaku, who could put up serious competition for most non-descript jounin in the village, was voicing his opinion... even if it was just in an attempt to shut Gai up.

Iruka growled at his failing attempts to calm everyone down. Glancing around, Iwashi gave him a hopeless shrug. Kotetsu mirrored his motions, frown lines ceasing his forehead. Izumo however... he smiled evilly. Iruka was puzzled. Izumo was quite possibly the quietest nin in the village, save perhaps Hyuuga Hinata or that young lad in the Aburame clan - you know, the one who used his bugs to sign out what he wanted to say.

Making a show of cracking his knuckles and clearing his throat, Izumo sidled up to Iruka. "Say Iruka?"

"Yes?" You could hear the puzzlement in Iruka's voice. The tiny voice in the back of his mind was whimpering, complaining about how this day could not possibly get any worse.

"Did you hear about Jiraiya's new Icha-Icha novel? The one with Matsuri finally hooking up with Akira? I heard there was a scene involving quite a bit of chocolate pudding."

Every male in the room shut up instantly, a solid half of them suddenly nursing nose-bleeds. The females, Kurenai, Anko and Hinata, suddenly went beet red, Anko took a sudden similarity to a koi out of water. Hinata looked ill until Neji grabbed her collar and hauled her out of the room, all while successfully keeping his nose-bleed under some semblence of control.

Izumo smirked again. "After the meeting, gentlemen, be sure to come visit me in my office, and I'll be sure to take pre-orders for you." It was Izumo's less-than-well-hid secret that his sister owned the bookstore, and that he made a small fortune in commissions with each release of Icha-Icha. "Otherwise, Iruka, the floor is yours."

The chuunin was suddenly the focus of several dozen eyes. It was strangely like being in the classroom again, only if anyone here threw a kunai at him, it would almost certainly hit. He took a deep breath.

"All right... Since I for one could do without Lady Hokage's... ire... does _anyone_ know where Genma is? Or seen him or Raido?" He left unspoken the _"and does anyone know what the bloody hell he was thinking?_ - but everyone heard it anyway.

There were assorted mumbles around the room. No one, it seemed, had seen the nin since the weekend, when he had attended a party at Anko's house. Now, as a side note, Anko's parties usually included bountiful alcohol, mounds of food, hoards of people, and a lacking of morals. They were, of course, not to be missed. Ibiki dancing on top of Anko's coffee table, with most of his clothes hanging off of her ceiling fan, was widely declared to be the highlight of the evening.

Now, that in and of itself was strange. Not Ibiki's dancing, mind you - he never could hold his liquor. Genma was a very public person; he did work in the Hokage's office, after all. Three days and no Genma sightings was unheard of.

The room was silent - most of the nin were still contemplating Ibiki's ability to do the Thriller dance on a coffee table. Silence was good. Silence didn't aggrevate Iruka's growing headache.

Then Gai spoke. Iruka's headache flared into a migraine.

"I know a way to track down Genma," he began, shifting into Heroic Pose #8, his hand positioned just so under his chin. From there, he slid into Good Guy Pose #23, hands on hips, looking rather like Wonder Woman, save for (thankfully) no leotard. Honestly, the spandex was bad enough. "We can ask my Eternal Rival to track down Genma was his hounds, and we can make it into a challenge!"

Iruka looked between his fellow chuunin, then to Asuma and Kurenai, then to the rest of the nin in the room. All shrugged, clearly not willing to get themselves into a conversation with Gai. Iruka sighed, wishing the hoards of monkeys would stop slamming their cymbals against the inside of his skull.

Iruka sighed. "Do you think Kakashi would be willing to help, Gai-sensei?"

Gai shifted into Tough Guy #4. "Of _course_ my Eternal Rival would be willing to help! The stake of the village is at stake!"

_Maybe my head will explode. That would be less painful than this... Maybe I can come up with a head-explodey jutsu..._ Iruka shook himself mentally. As good as "head-explodey-no-jutsu" sounded, it was a wee bit more permanent than he was shooting for. Better to get this over with. "Do you know where to find him?"

"Of course, oh-most-Youthful Iruka-sensei!" You could almost hear the exclamation points after Gai's words. "I will gladly show you where my most Noble and Youthful Rival is!"

Iruka's muddled brain took a moment to process what Gai had just said, and it was in that moment that Gai had not only adopted Hero Pose #1 (thumb out, teeth glistening under the fluorescent lighting), but had embraced Iruka, muttered something about "youthfulness" and "tear to my eye", and had jutsu'd away in a _poof_ of blue-gray smoke.

The mission room, this time, immediately erupted into hushed whispers. The general concensus was "I'm glad it wasn't me Gai just ran off with" followed by "Damn man... that's gotta suck" and the nearly as popular "Genma better get his ass found, because if I get screwed with any lame missions, or worse, pre-genin, he's a dead man."

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Reviews oreos.


	3. In which Iruka shakes

**Author's Note**: I'm very impressed. This is officially now my most-read story. I feel so special, it brings a tear to my eye.

Ironically enough, I was originally planning on making this a one- or two-shot story... sadly (or not) - it has manifested itself in my mind to an all-encompassing epic tale. lol. Or not. Honestly, there's a few different ways I can bring this; I haven't really decided. However, you might have noticed that there is quite a bit of OOC... or is it :D I made Gai _completely_ over the top – but it seems to work in this particular story.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing regarding the intellectual property of Naruto. I do, however, proudly own all of the DVDs released in this country, and religiously peruse the manga.

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Chapter 3 

Gai, being Gai, was of course as good as his word, and he and Iruka _poofed_ back into existence on top of the Hokage monument. Iruka didn't need to be told where he was – the view was enough to give it all away. Even Gai was silent for a few moments, looking out across Konoha. The destruction from the Sound/Sand invasion was just starting to fade, even though it had happened some four months past. The breached wall looked like it was infested with a swarm of Aburame beetles, there were so many workers on it. Even in the twilight they were visible, casting strange shadows across the village.

Gai took a deep breath, exhaling it gustily. "What a wonderful day to be alive!" he proclaimed loudly, the sound echoing across the entire village. Iruka's head throbbed in time to the reverberations, imaging dozens of families hearing the strange echoes over their dinners. "Now, Iruka-sensei, to find my Eternal Rival!"

Iruka had taken just about enough. "Gai," he muttered through clenched teeth, "_please_ just..." He paused. _Now what, Umino? 'Now Gai, please stop being so Gai-like?' or 'Please stop talking with so many exclamation points?' Yeah. As if._ Then it clicked. "Let's please respect the sanctity of this monument and _quietly_ look for Kakashi-sensei." He tried not to make it sound like begging. Damnit, he dealt with pre-genin – the most rabid and unpredictable of all ninja – he could and _would_ deal with Gai.

Gai looked taken aback. "Iruka-sensei," he wiped a tear from his eye. "Truly, you embody the Youthfulness and Vitality of this village. You are Righteous in your unswerving devotion to your duty! Please, lead on, so that I might verily learn from your example." The shadows made him look strangely... possessed... as he assumed Hero Pose #1 again, his teeth twinkling like stars.

Iruka wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or cry. Gai actually listened? It was a small miracle! And yet there he was! Konoha's Mighty Green Beast silently following him! Granted, he was _staring_ at his every step, every motion, but at least it was something.

Not that finding Kakashi was difficult. He was standing directly in front of them, maybe fifty feet ahead of them, right at the very end of the Yondaime's head. He had half-turned at their appearance, peering at them curiously, then had turned back to the village.

Iruka cautiously made his way over, wary of the older ninja. It was Kakashi, after all. Who knew how he would respond? Gai kept two steps behind, rather like a puppy.

"Maa, I hear you wanted to borrow Pakkun."

Okay, Iruka had to admit that was pretty impressive. He knew the Konoha gossip vine was fast, but this was ridiculous.

Shaking his head, Iruka promised his aching skull some aspirin as soon as he got home. "Er, yes, Kakashi-sensei. Gen-"

"Genma's been an idiot and he and Raido are nowhere to be found, and Tsunade's entered queen-bitch-mode."

"I'm not going to ask how you knew that, but yeah, that's pretty much the gist of the problem." He could have sworn that Kakashi was smirking under his mask. It was now official. His day could not possibly get worse.

Kakashi winked at him, then knelt down. Bringing his thumb to his mouth, he bit down, then flew through a sequence of hand signs for his summons.

When the tiny _poof_ of smoke cleared, feathering out on the breeze, a tiny brown pug remained, looking less than pleased.

"Hello, Pakkun!" Kakashi sounded strangely Gai-like. Maybe it was in the water supply. "Iruka-sensei here has a favor to ask of you, don't you, Iruka-sensei?"

Kakashi turned his evilly-pleasantly-smiley-face towards Iruka, and the chuunin felt the strangest desire to run away and hide.

Pakkun glared, padded forward, then sat before the teacher. Iruka crouched low to be closer to eye level, and behind him, Gai mirrored his actions. A small notebook had appeared out of the Green Beast's waist pouch, and he was rapidly taking notes. Iruka suppressed a shudder.

"Can you help us locate Genma?" Iruka tried not to feel silly asking the dog the question. "He disappeared with Lady Tsuande's sake _and_ her coffee, and if we don't find him by dawn, all the shinobi of the village are screwed, to put it bluntly." Normally, Iruka would never use such coarse language, but this situation called for action.

Pakkun scrunched up his already scrunchy nose. "I would need a scent to trace. And there would need to be something in it for me."

Oh dear. Now this was an aspect that Iruka hadn't considered. The cute little doggy wanted recompense. Again, Iruka suppressed a sigh. At this rate, he could teach classes in anger management to ANBU. "What would you need, Pakkun-san?" He figured a little politeness couldn't possibly hurt.

The pug puffed himself up, obviously enjoying the attention. "A steak or two. Rare. I like them still mooing. And..." He looked conspiratorially over his shoulder, giving Kakashi a glare that, if looks could kill, would not only leave him dead and buried, but quite decayed. "A belly rub. This jerk never does." His hackles raised.

Iruka had been wrong. His day _could_ keep getting worse. The cute little doggy was demanding a belly rub. If he could deal with Konohamaru, he could deal with this. So he kept telling himself.

"Pakkun, if you help me find Genma, I will gladly rub your belly whenever you want, where ever you want."

The pug's face brightened up. "Agreed. Shake on it?"

Extending his hand, Iruka took the pug's paw and shook it quite solemnly. "Agreed."

Even as the last rays of daylight slid behind the village wall, Iruka's confused and agitated mind took note of only one thing. _Pakkun's paw was sooooo soft..._

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Well, that's it for this one. hinthint I like reviews. hinthint 


	4. In which Pakkun does not need thumbs

Firstly, let me apologize for how long this took to do. I've just been busy at work, but it irks me because I'm actually very much enjoying writing this story. And it's officially my most-reviewed piece! Hurray me! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, my ego is now big enough to take over the planet. :D

Disclaimer: I own not.

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Chapter 4: In which Pakkun does not need thumbs.

A quick glance at Iruka's watch made him blanche. Nine pm already. Time had obviously decided to not play fair. Given how awful his head felt, he wondered if Kakashi could see his head pulsate.

The jounin had insisted on accompanying his summon. Iruka had agreed, not that he really had a choice. All chuunin knew to humor the jounin. Popular theory held that all ninja aged normally, from Academy pre-genin to genin to chuunin. However, as soon as they hit jounin, they began to age in reverse. Given Kakashi's current biological age, and the length of time he had been a jounin... Iruka did some quick calculations and came up with a negative age. Apparently Tonbo (the mathmatical genius who had come up with the original equation), had not taken Kakashi into account when working out the age-reversal formula.

Pakkun sniffed disinterestedly, snapping Iruka back to reality. The pug had stopped outside a nondescript door, glowered at it as though it had done something wrong, then sat on his haunches. Iruka was puzzled, and informed the nin-dog so.

Kakashi's single visible eye curved into a smile. Pakkun sighed. "You need to open the door," he explained as if to a child. "I don't have a thumb. And-" Iruka missed the rest, as it was muttered.

"What was that last bit?"

"I'm not tall enough to reach." Pakkun bared his teeth.

Iruka couldn't help himself. He knew he shouldn't, but that little voice in your head that tells you that you're about to do something stupid... well, that little voice was either napping, or was completely being drowned out by the throbbing of his headache. Otherwise he would never have said it.

"Awwwwwwwwww, the cute little doggie's too sho-OWW!"

Pakkun had suddenly become part of Iruka's arm, his teeth digging deeper as Iruka shook his arm frantically. "Get off! Hey, come on!"

It took a few minutes, but with Kakashi's help and a good bit of bribery (involving, of course, filet mignon), Pakkun and Iruka were separated back into two different entities. The chuunin tried to ignore the look of bloodlust on the pug's face... that, and the fact that every time he glanced down, Pakkun was licking his lips. It was at this point that Kakashi noted that he was moderately sure that this was, in fact, _not_ Genma's door. In fact, he was fairly certain that it was the door of the owner of the hot poodle Pakkun had been oogling earlier that evening.

Pakkun had smiled sweetly (or as well as one can when one is a pug and has a muzzle, and not lips), said "Oops," and had taken off again.

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Pakkun had led the recovery team all over the village in his attempt to located Genma's apartment. Even Kakashi had commented on why the trail would lead to the Hokage monument and through the Sandaime Hokage's nose. Iruka had elected not to ask as he directed chakra to his feet and walked down the granite nostril.

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Pakkun hadn't bothered to answer and had bounded off toward the bachelor apartments. Kakashi had shrugged, pulled out a rather battered copy of Icha-Icha Paradise, volume 12 (which Iruka noted had odd white-ish stains all over it), and followed. Iruka reached into his hip pouch, pulled out his bottle of Advil, and popped four dry. He put the mostly empty bottle back, then resigned himself to his fate and followed.

Genma's door was just that. A door with his name printed neatly on the name-plate. It was brown. It had a tarnished brass knob. There were a few gouges where kunai and (more than a few) senbon had been embedded over the years. It was, all in all, a standard door to a ninja residence.

Iruka glanced at his watch. Nine thirty. Shee-hit.

Kakashi had knelt before the door, looking over the lock and checking for traps. He had poked at the door with his kunai, then performed a small fire jutsu and was blowing the smoke around the edges of the door. Fumbling through his pouch, he pulled a crayon out. Iruka sighed and pushed him aside. The knob turned easily in his hand, and the door swung open quietly. Kakashi gave him a scandalized look. "It could have blown up!"

Iruka turned in the doorway and sighed. "No, it couldn't have. This is _Genma's_ house, remember? Genma can barely remember eat most days, let alone lock his door. If it's not attached to him, he'd forget it."

The jounin looked put out and ever-so-slightly miffed as he put his crayon away. "Oh." He had adopted a pout and Iruka was rather certain his lower lip was trembling. Just what he needed. An emotionally-needy jounin. Oh, wait. They all were. It was, after all, part of the job description. Great.

"Hey, he's not here."

Iruka swung around, wondering how Pakkun's voice could echo so much, for such a little thing. And where the dog had gotten off to already. The door had only been open for thirty seconds. Stepping carefully through the murky light, the chuunin followed the odd sounds until he found their source. He should have known.

Pakkun had (rather remarkable, since, after all, he was both vertically and thumb-ically challenged) opened the fridge and was gorging on the remains of some poor piece of poultry. A drumstick hung out of his muzzle. Iruka was rather sure he was smiling.

A muffled bump and a gasp caught his attention. _Oh kame. Kakashi!_

Vaulting Genma's couch (a hideous, once-brown monstrosity it was), Iruka flew into the bedroom, nearly crashing into Kakashi's back.

Iruka had never been in Genma's bedroom. In fact, he knew no one who _admitted_ to ever entering Genma's bedroom. He now knew why.

It was _green_. The walls, the curtains, the bedsheets, the carpet – even the lamp shade. It was all a putrid, fluroescent, day-glo **green**. Iruka was rather certain he had a highliter that color. Even the teddy bear on the bed. _Genma has a teddy bear? Oh, I can so use this to get even_, Iruka plotted. Green. It was worse than Naruto's orange.

"He must be color blind," Kakashi speculated, looking at the shag carpet that was trying to glomp his foot. "I've never seen a color this... evil... before."

Iruka nodded his agreement. A flash of hot pink (at least it wasn't green, he noted) caught his eye. He swept it up, then swallowed the bile that rose in the back of his throat. He handed it into the waiting hand of Kakashi.

"Oh my," the jounin gulped audibly.

This didn't reassure Iruka any. This was Sharingan Kakashi, the great Copy-Nin of Konoha, master of a thousand plus jutsus. And he was nervous? Aw shit. Then again, it was a very scary idea. Knowing what he knew about the normal happenings at this events, Iruka wished he had just stayed in bed.

After all... a party at Anko's house was nothing to be missed.

Iruka turned off the lights and rubbed his brow as Kakashi gathered up a slightly plumper Pakkun, crowing, "And he is my Squishy! And he shall be mine! And he shall be my Squishy!"

Iruka, resigning himself to the worst, just hoped that Ibiki would keep his clothes on this time.

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Yes, that's right! Party at Anko's! Hurray! I'm also trying to at least name (if they don't make a full-fledged appearance) as many of the lesser-known characters as possible. Did you see Tonbo? Tonbo deserves some love, too.


	5. In which Ibiki wiggles

**Author's Note: **I'm having a complete ball writing this story, lol. It's just a plain fun thing to write and has done wonders to break my case of writer's block. I do apologize for the amount of time it's taken me to get this updated… This past Sunday I succeeded in dislocating my thumb. Hey, it was the last day the lift at Smuggs was open this season, and it was a gorgeous day. As of this moment, I'm like Crab-Girl with my right hand, and it's taking a short eternity to type anything, lol. I've never been very good with the hunt-and-peck typing method.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who's reviewed to this point; I appreciate it so much! :) Special thanks to KareNeko for giving me the idea with Ibiki ("hm...thong is not a choice?"). Those few words (and a late-night coughinfomercialcough) corrupted my mind completely, lol. Anyways… enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I own not.

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**Chapter 5: In Which Ibiki wiggles.**

You could tell which apartment building was Anko's half a village away. It was the one that was vibrating.

Anko lived on an all-female floor of one of the jounin dorms, with Yuuhi Kurenai living on one side, and Utsuki Yugao on the other. They had the entire floor to themselves, seeing as how the males vastly outnumbered the females, at least shinobi-wise. Apparently, Anko had convinced the other two ladies to 'donate' some space, and the entire floor was jammed.

Kakashi had disappeared with Pakkun the instant the door had opened, leaving Iruka alone to be glomped on by an exceedingly intoxicated and scantily-clad Anko.

"Oh, Iruka!" She somehow managed to make each word stretch on for ten syllables each. "I'm so glad you came!" she hiccuped into his ear, and he was rather sure the wetness he felt dripping down the side of his neck was alcohol that she had hiccuped up. It was rather gross. As was her outfit, if you could call it that. To his eye, it looked like glittery plastic-wrap with strategic leather straps positioned to keep it up.

"I'm sure you are," he tried to remain civil, trying to ignore her wall clock, reading ten pm. If he didn't look, it couldn't hurt him. He hoped.

Thankfully, at that moment, Asuma strode through the door, an eighteen-pack in hand. Kurenai had appeared out of nowhere, and together with Anko, proceeded to drag the jounin away into the semi-dark room. Iruka sighed in gratitude, then pulled his aspirin and popped another two.

Behind him, Tonbo and Iwashi jostled him away from the door, and Iruka got a full view of the chaos that was Anko's party.

Kotetsu, Izumo, Aoba and Inuzaka Hana were apparently engaged in a game of strip poker, and apparently Aoba was losing. All he had left on was his hitai-ate, his sunglasses, and his leopard print boxers. Kotetsu and Izumo were trying to be in each other's laps simultaneously, and somehow were managing it. Iruka began to question the laws of physics involved, then decided it wasn't worth making the headache worse. They both had lost their shirts. Hana grinned over the table at them, being fully clad herself.

On the other side of the room, Aburame Shino was doing some DJ work. Iruka almost choked on his tongue to see most of the Rookie Nine and Team Gai present. Granted, they were old enough to be shinobi, but they sure weren't old enough to drink! Debating for a quick moment, he decided to leave them be… _this_ time. He had a bigger fish to fry, assuming he could find him.

Walking around the room, Iruka peered through the gloom, looking for the one person who knew all that there was to know. All he could find though, were exceedingly drunk nin.

Kakashi was 'dancing' with Pakkun; the poor pug was being swung into the air like a Russian ballerina. Thank Kame for centrifugal force. Gai was doing the Macarena with Neji on one side and Lee on the other. Instead of pivoting on each verse, they took long pulls from their beers, getting noticeably more drunk as the song drew to a close. Lee stumbled over to the nearest wall and began caressing it, telling it all about how Youthful it was. Gai began singing the Electric Slide so… exuberantly… that you could hear the capital letters on every word.

Hinata was blitzed. Completely and totally annihilated. Shipwrecked. Sloshed. _Destroyed_. Iruka had to rub his eyes to make sure he was seeing what he was seeing right. Was she really _grinding_ against Inuzaka Kiba? Oh, Hiashi would go into an epileptic fit to see his heir now. Kiba, for his part, had a very goofy grin on his face as he snaked his hands around Hinata's thin waist.

Tenten had pulled Neji away from Gai and had begun to show him other talents. Iruka was rather impressed as she tied a cherry stem in a bow with her tongue in less than five seconds. Not just a knot, mind you… any self-respecting shinobi could do that. We're talking a bow like you see on a birthday gift. Neji's mouth had dropped open, and Tenten had proceeded to attempt to give him CPR. With tongue.

Shikamaru had decided to help Aoba with his poker playing. Aoba had readily agreed as he slammed another shot down. No one had taken into account the fact that the Nara had already pre-gamed before arriving, and could no longer count to ten, let alone play poker. Aoba lost his hitai-ate in short order.

Chouji was actually mixing drinks at Anko's mini-bar, and Iruka was relatively impressed. Apparently food wasn't the only specialty of the Akamichi Clan. Chouji had multiple bottles of liquor up in the air simultaneously, spinning crazily before the young man easily caught them. Ino had passed out in an armchair behind the bar, beer in one hand and drool coursing down the side of her face. _Lightweight_, Iruka snorted, somehow not very surprised.

Then he found who he was looking for. Shino had put on _Closer_ (Nine Inch Nails), and had maxed the volume. The entire building shook, and Iruka could feel his heartbeat altering to much the throb of the music. And there was Iruka's target. _Oh my…_

Morino Ibiki was atop Anko's counter, nude… save for his elephant-nose thong. Iruka had to do a double-take. Yes, it really was an elephant-nose thong. And yes, he was really wearing it. And he was really filling it… Apparently Ibiki was very drunk and very… happy.

Iruka grabbed the nearest bottle of alcohol and took a long chug.

Shit. He wasn't wrong. Ibiki was still… happy.

Another swig.

Damn. Didn't work.

Most of the assembled nin had gathered around the counter Ibiki occupied and had begun waving singles at him. In fact, from behind, the T&I chief looked more like a peacock than an elephant; the bills were arranged just so. Tatami Iwashi had jumped up beside Ibiki and was attempting to auction him off to the highest bidder.

"Dollar fifty!" Ino slurred before passing back out.

"Five!" Kakashi yelled from where he had somehow challenged Gai to a round of thumb-wrestling.

"My Youthful and Magnificent Rival!" Gai apparently added even more extraneous capitals when intoxicated. "That's so Very Un-Hip to Offer such a Low Amount for Such a Fine and Noble Ninja as Ibiki! Six dollars!"

"Ten!" yelled Izumo and Kotetsu at the same time. They looked at each other, giggled, then proceeded with their gropage of one another.

"Thirty!" Anko had appeared from the bedroom with not just Kurenai and Asuma, but Hana in tow as well. The ladies all looked like cats who had just indulged in canary, while Asuma looked disheveled and zombie-like.

At this last bid, the room went mostly silent. Shinobi were notoriously cheap… no one expected any more bids.

"Fifty."

The entire room went dead, and dozens of pairs of eyes focused on Iruka. Ibiki wiggled himself in that general direction. Hinata giggled uncontrollably, muttering something about the happy elephant man.

Iwashi just leered. "Sold! Sold to Umino Iruka for fifty dollars!"

Iruka sighed and pulled his wallet out and produced the appropriate amount. That was his coffee money for the week. Damned Tsunade had _best_ be reimbursing him for this.

Ibiki… _slinked_ down from the counter. Iruka could describe it no other way, other than perhaps _saunter_. Damn it, he was a teacher! He could think of synonyms, damn it all. The taller man then proceeded to _curl_ himself around Iruka and began to press closer.

He looked down. Wished he didn't.

The elephant had a smile.

_Oh Kame._

A quick glance at the clock. Ten thirty.

Iruka grabbed Ibiki's wrist and pulled him into the nearest room.

Anko's bedroom.

_Oh Kame._

He pushed Ibiki in, glanced around quickly, then followed and locked the door.


	6. In which Anko takes pictures

**Author's Note:** I can type again! Hurray! My hand is finally un-swollen enough to look like a hand and not a claw. :D

Thanks to everyone (again) who's reviewed or alerted on this story, it's uber appreciated. And yes, I know there's rampant OOC. But that's ok. Why? Because I said so. And it's just plain fun, and you all know it.

Sorry it's short. It's basically meant to set up the next chapter.

**Disclaimer:** Still not mine.

* * *

**Chapter 6: In Which Anko takes pictures.**

All thoughts flew from Iruka's mind when he saw the interior of Anko's bedroom. It was... worse than he expected.

Genma was attached to lime green. Naruto had his orange. What Anko had worse worse. It was the most vile thing he had ever seen. It was... anti-shinobi. Shinobi were dark, creatures of the night and the shadow. Black, gray and the like were the natural colorations they took. Especially Konoha shinobi. Blending into the forests of Fire Country was, of course, their specialty. His own house was decorated in earth tones. Most shinobi favored earth tones. But not Anko. Oh no, certainly not Anko. Iruka figured Oorichimaru had something to do with this, and resolved to tip of ANBU as soon as this debacle was over.

The room was pink.

Flowery, frilly, _girly_ pink.

It was the last thing anyone who knew Anko would think of. Iruka had always suspected that her apartment would house more snakes than the world-famous reptile habitats in Rice Country. Black walls, black carpets, leopard print sheets (hey, this was _Anko_, after all). Chains and whips hanging in the closet of hangers, dishware decorated with embossed shuriken and kunai. This was... unexpected, at the very least.

She had a fairy-tale princess poster bed, complete with white lace canopy. With pink frilly, lacy sheets. Were those Care Bears by her pillow? Oh Kame. And the Princess Barbie castle? She even had a set of Punky Brewster sneakers set beneath her bed. _Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck_. _I've died and gone to hell_.

Ibiki had noticed none of Iruka's distress (and none of the pinkness), and had sat abruptly down in the center of the (pink) floor. Wait... sat? No, Ibiki was lying flat on his back, with Mr. Elephant looking like he was peering around the room. It was _almost_ obscene.

Ibiki giggled. Now _that_ was obscene. Iruka tried to focus above the T&I chief's shoulders as he knelt down.

"Ibiki-san?" he decided to try being rational and applied the honorific. He needed information before Ibiki went to that place where all drunken shinobi go. Sleep.

Ibiki giggled again, looking down his chest, obviously amused by the bouncing of Mr. Elephant.

Iruka was moderately impressed. The older nin must have consumed an exorbitant amount of liquor to be in this state. Gallons. Surely this could only be caused by the intake of gallons.

However, used to as he was with dealing with those who had imbibed too much (that was a long side-story involving Genma, Raidou, Kotetsu, Izumo, Kakashi, Iwashi, Asuma, Nara Shikaku, Gai, a stick of celery and a pingpong ball), and used to dealing with the little hell-spawn known as pre-genin, Iruka switched approaches.

"Ibiki, can you help Iruka-sensei, please?" he baby-talked, glad there was no one around who could see (or hear) this. He would never be able to show his face in public again. He would probably even be demoted to teaching the four-year-olds. That was a fate worse than death.

Ibiki giggled again, focusing his bleary eyes on Iruka's. "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe," he whispered as he snatched hold of Iruka's hand. Rubbing his thumb in slow circles over the top of it, he winked suggestively up at the chuunin. "What's in it for me, Sensei?"

Oh Kame. Ibiki sounded _sultry_.

It was time for Iruka to pull out all the stops. "I'll have Genma treat you to one of his pressure-point massages." These massages were known throughout Fire Country for being the most therapeutic thing obtainable. Genma normally charged a small fortune for them; Iruka felt he was owed.

Ibiki's toes curled, and he seemed to sober up exponentially. "Deal. What do you need to know?" Iruka guessed the semi-sober routine was an act, as he was still rubbing the back of Iruka's hand.

"Have you heard any information on Genma or Raidou? They're both missing, and Tsunade's coffee went missing with them."

Ibiki looked like a new man, completely un-intoxicated. "Forest of Death. Forty Fourth Training Grounds. There you will find what it is you seek." He closed his eyes, and was instantly asleep and snoring.

"Aw crap."

Ibiki was still rubbing the back of Iruka's hand in his sleep, and wasn't willing to let go. Giving a tentative pull, Iruka felt no give. The pink Hello Kitty alarm clock by Anko's bedside read eleven. Time was running short, and Ibiki was attached like a limpet.

Taking a deep breath, and praying that Ibiki wouldn't remember this, Iruka carefully drew his hand towards Mr. Elephant. Seconds later, he was free, and fled from the room, nearly crashing into Anko, Kurenai, and an obviously well-ravished Asuma. Pausing only to grab Izumo and Kotetsu by the backs of their collars (thankfully, they had redressed after the strip poker), Iruka fled the party without a backwards glance.

Curious at what had riled the normally mellow chuunin so much, the trio of nin peered into Anko's bedroom.

Ibiki was flat on his back, drool oozing out of the smile he had on his face, with his fist wrapped around... his elephant... while his thumb traced slow, lazy circles around it.

Anko instantly had her camera out. Asuma giggled in a very un-manly way as he and Kurenai plotted blackmail. Tomorrow, Konoha would have a new "Elephant Man" in the news.


	7. In which Iruka has a potty mouth

**Author's Note:** I've been formulating this for a week or so now. Be afraid, lol. Poor Ko and Izumo. Fate dealt them a shitty hand. No one likes an irate Iruka. No one.

If you don't like bad language, be wary of the end of this chapter. Iruka loses it. :)

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**Shameless Plugs:** Go vote in my poll. Go. Now. Or face my wrath.

Also – go play Maple Story. It's another of my I-have-free-time-at-work pleasures.

* * *

**Chapter 7: In which Iruka has a potty mouth.**

Izumo and Kotetsu were less than pleased about having been forcefully removed from the party. For once, they hadn't even done anything _wrong_. Iruka had tersely explained the situation and his time constraints (read: bullied and threatened), and the duo had agreed to help.

The trio stood silently at the gate to the Forty-Fourth Training Grounds, fondly nicknamed the Forest of Death. Beyond the chain-link fence, the jungle seemed to be going out of its way to make scary and ominous noises.

Kotetsu sighed gustily, then pulled out a small scroll.

Iruka frowned, recognizing the type. "I didn't know you had a summons. Where did you pick one up?"

Ko smirked his standard smirk, his spiked hair defying gravity. "I didn't, and I haven't." One quick jutsu later, and a pair of aerosol cans had replaced the parchment.

Iruka scrubbed a hand down over his face.

Mosquito repellent and Raid.

Some ninja he had recruited to help.

Lovely.

Kotetsu smiled sweetly.

Iruka did not trust this.

Izumo was not nearly the prick his partner tried to be, and tried to explain. "You took your chuunin exam where? Suna?"

At Iruka's nod, he continued. "Our exam was held right here – after your class, they began to cut back on the rotation of the test locations, something about the war, and traveling with a couple of dozen genin. Anyway, our team – the two of us and Gekkou Hayate, got attacked by a roach the size of a school bus. Hayate ended up cutting it in half, and Ko got slimed by roach goobers. Ko is a little scared of bugs. His hair's been spiked ever since."

The aforementioned chuunin glared from where he was busy dousing himself with the repellent. "Am not!" He stuck his tongue out.

Iruka chose not to point out that he could see the flyswatter stuck in the back of his waistband.

"Besides," Izumo pulled out a scroll of his own. "I'm the one with the summons. I got good trackers, too." A quick jutsu, then a poof of blue-gray smoke.

"You can't be serious."

The summons, a penguin wearing a leaf symbol sweatshirt, apparently did not like being easily dismissed. He began to attack Iruka's toes.

Izumo had the good grace to look chagrined. "Oops. Wrong scroll." The penguin vanished in another _poof_ of smoke, just before ingestion of Iruka's pinky toe would have been completed.

Another quick jutsu. Another plume of smoke. Iruka mused. If chakra smoke contributed to the hole in the ozone layer, did that mean he needed to expand on his unit dealing with environmental topics? Realizing that his thought was far too in-depth for how his day was going, he dropped the thought, filing it for possible usage another day. Anyways, the smoke had cleared and Izumo's summons had appeared.

A pair of ferrets, one a sable, one an albino, sat on Izumo's shoulder, chattering happily.

"My _babies_!" Izumo cooed.

Iruka was grossed out. Cooing? Dear Kame.

Kotetsu apparently agreed, and shoved bug spray into his weapons pouch. "Their names are Dante Leon Belmonte," the albino perked up, "and Artemis Sephiroth Prime." The sable smiled, showing teeth. Sharp, pointy teeth. Iruka was mildly puzzled; never before had he seen _smiling_ rodents...

As one, the pair shrilled, tails poofed to ten times their normal diameter, and lunged at Iruka.

"Ow! Ow! Owie!" Iruka danced around, trying to dislodge the toothy balls of fur.

Izumo sighed as he collected his "children". "You thought of them as rodents, didn't you?"

"Yeah, so?"

Ko sniffed disdainfully. "Weasels."

"Huh?"

"They're weasels, not rodents. They're very picky about that."

"Er. Oh. Sorry?"

Izumo had knelt down, stroking his weasels with long strokes. He whispered to them softly, his lips barely moving. After a kiss on each pink nose, the pair took off beneath the fence.

"Hopefully they'll scare up some clues," Kotetsu eyed the gate that they themselves would enter.

Iruka had decided not to even bother exerting the effort to puzzle any information out himself. "What do you mean, hopefully?"

Ko frowned, then readjusted the bandage across his nose. "Duh, they're _ferrets_. Even as a summons, their brains are the size of the ball of cotton on the end of a q-tip. They have the attention span of a pre-genin."

"Oh."

Ten minutes later saw the team still frowning at the gate in the fence. A rusty padlock hung from the chains fastening the gate shut.

Kotetsu had flatly refused to try to open it. He was afraid his fly-away hair would get caught in a hinge (or something to that effect) and he didn't want to have to pull any of his hairs out, lest his entire pate start to thin. After all, as he explained to Iruka earnestly, hairlines run on the mother's side of the family.

Not knowing how else to respond, Iruka nodded cautiously.

Heartened by this show of support, Ko launched into a monologue regarding how the females in his family had been known for their premature baldness. In fact, as Ko had told him solemnly, his fifteen year old cousin Nyara was completely bald, and had been since age twelve.

Izumo, too, had refused to attempt opening the gate, claiming his tetanus shots weren't up to date.

Iruka had had it. He snapped.

"We're _ninja_! Nin-ja! Assassins, warriors, soldiers, whatever! Ninja don't worry about their maternal hairlines! Ninja do not worry about tetanus, well, at least not until their mission is over. But only then! And ninja don't need to break through a fence, damnit! We can jump over it!"

And he did.

Ko's mouth dropped.

Izumo sat down in shock.

"Did he just -"

"Ko, I think he did."

Kotetsu sniffled, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye. "Our little boy is growing up."

Izumo glowed with pride. "Iruka just said his very first curse. I am so very pro-"

"Shut the fuck up, Izumo."

The mouths dropped again.

"Goddamned cockfucking dicklicking assmunching whore slut cock fuck dick ass shit fuck dildo ass fuck floppy donkey dick shit ass titty whore fuck fuck FUCK!"

Iruka looked sunburned, he was so red.

Ko now had real tears in his eyes. "That was beautiful, man. Sheer poetry."

Izumo just clapped.

Iruka duplicated Izumo's earlier actions and sat hard on the ground. What had he done? He had just blown up spectacularly, and had used profane language.

... And damn. It felt _gooooooood_.

A quick check of his watch.

Quarter to midnight.

Of all the floppy donkey dicks.

He added this to the tally of what he had to take out of Genma's hide.


	8. In which Hayate speaks in riddles

**Author's Note:** I'm exceedingly impressed at myself. Eight chapters. Go me. Yeah.

I have a confession. I actually had most of this written last week. I was just being lazy and didn't bother typing it. :D It's short, I'm sorry... but introducing Hayate's... predicament... was harder than I thought it would be.

I also apologize for the end of this. I just saw Meet the Spartans. Blame the movie.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**Shameless Plugs:** Go vote in my poll. Go. Now. Or face my wrath. I'll go Iruka on you.

* * *

Chapter 8 – In which Hayate speaks in riddles

In hindsight, Iruka mused, perhaps Kotetsu wasn't so crazy to have bought Raid and a flyswatter for the trip. He swatted at a mosquito the size of a hummingbird with a kunai. After he saw the first monstrous bug, he had shrilled like a pre-genin girl when seeing Sasuke, then had decided to play it safe and stay armed. Especially if he wanted to keep his manliness firmly in place. Izumo had insisted it was a good thing he wasn't wearing his glasses... or that Kakashi's nin-dogs weren't in range. He'd have cracked the glass... or their eardrums.

Izumo led the way, carefully following the trail his ferrets had left. Ko followed closely behind, eying every sound, whipping his flyswatter to meet any possible threat. Iruka bought up the rear, arms crossed over his chest, kunai in hand, looking unimpressed. (Until, of course, a bug appeared.)

It was twelve thirty.

Time was running out.

Crap.

In the near distance: a dull throb. Iruka could feel his heartbeat speed up to match.

Crap.

Now, in Iruka's experience... a dull, rhythmic throb in the distance was never a good thing. Ever. Certainly _not_ in a place called the Forest of Death.

And that, of course, was the direction they were going in.

Why was he not surprised?

Lovely.

Just lovely.

Iruka surreptitiously fished his bottle of aspirin out and popped another two. Only two more left.

Crap.

Lovely.

Just friggin' _lovely_.

He mentally added a bottle of aspirin to Genma's tab.

At this point, the damned hentai bastard would be pulling D-ranks until the end of time, just to clear up all his accumulated debt, for just this one day.

The throb was getting louder, and now lights were flashing off the trees, creating eerie shadows.

And the trail Izumo's damned... _weasels_... had left led right towards the disturbance.

Had he been in his right mind, he would have called everything off, grabbed his minions (his mind cursed him for lack of a better term), and have high-tailed it out of there to find the nearest ANBU.

That was, of course, assuming he was in his right mind.

Which he obviously wasn't.

He said nothing, and just followed Izumo and Ko.

It was official.

Iruka had now seen everything.

Apparently either ANBU or the Hokage had felt Anko's party had gotten too rowdy (or had just been pissed off at not having been invited) and had given the crazy bit- er, kunoichi, a choice: either move the party or shut it down.

Why the Forest of Death?

A passing drunk!Kakashi had shrugged. Why not? He then muttered something about "If you build it, _they_ will come."

Iruka wasn't entirely sure who'they' were... and if he wanted to meet them.

Anko had apparently called in favors to get the entire party moved.

There were drunk genin _everywhere_.

Ko and Izumo had disappeared as soon as the trio had entered the clearing, leaving Iruka alone and bewildered. He just took it all in.

Kiba was flat on his back, Akamaru sitting perched on his stomach, lying just under the tap of a keg, chugging for all he was worth. His face was beet red as he struggled to keep up with the flow. Asuma knelt by his head, encouraging him.

Ibiki was still... _happy_... judging by his elephant. He and... dear sweet Kame – was that _Shino_? And where the hell did that stripper pole come from? Really, it was genius to mount it into the rock overhang, but... Shino and Ibiki? Dancing to... was that the Thong Song? Iruka bit back a wave of nausea.

Shikamaru and Temari (what _was_ she doing back from Sand – wait, her brothers were doing shots while watching Shino...) were sitting under a tree, the kunoichi trying to remove Shika's tonsils with her tongue. Iruka decided to be charitable. Maybe she was practicing her CPR technique.

Anko and Kurenai were teaching Tenten, Ino, Sakura and Hinata how to do body shots. Surprisingly, from what Iruka could tell, Hinata was far and away the best. Ino couldn't seem to get the knack.

There was a pile of unconscious male genin on the far outskirts of the clearing. Neji and Sasuke were spooning, and Iruka was moderately sure that Naruto was drooling into Lee's open mouth.

Pakkun had apparently also imbibed a wee too much liquor. After asking every attendee to rub his belly, or to touch his oh-so-soft paws, he had begun to hit on Akamaru.

Oh my.

Iruka made a beeline for the nearest available source of liquor and grabbed a beer. Chugged it. Felt moderately better.

Without a sound, a black blur streaked through the air and landed besides him. "Hello, Hayate."

The former streak stood and nodded. "Good evening, you see the mess this is being? Genin drunk beyond seeing, and I think some genin have been... peeing." He pointed to where some unnamed chuunin were trying to pee into a cup. And missing. At least they were a fair distance away from everyone else.

Iruka wondered briefly how they had become chuunin with such low alcohol tolerances.

Then it clicked.

"Why are you speaking in rhyme?"

The swordmaster sighed. "I lost a challenge to Gai, I must do this until the sun appears again in the sky."

Oh my.

Poor, poor Hayate.

But perhaps he could turn this to his advantage.

"Have you seen Genma or Raidou? Preferably Genma, but at this point, beggars can't be choosers."

Hayate nodded. "I have seen both here today, I will help you, if I may. I believe they have gone to the tower in the center, allow me to now..." his nose scrunched, thinking this one over. "Be your mentor?"

Iruka suppressed his unmanly desire to giggle. "It works. Come on, lets go."

Instead of trying to rhyme, Hayate just nodded.

They left, just as a pair of ferrets had challenged Akamaru and Pakkun to a throwdown. Cheers of 'stomp the yard' were heard, echoing through the forest.


	9. In which Hayate dances

**Author's Note:** Surprisingly, given that I've already updated once this week, I'm rather impressed that I'm getting this done again, so soon. Especially given how _hard_ it was to write regarding Hayate's... predicament.

Also, I reclassified this story. I realized originally that I had listed it under Tsunade and Genma as characters. In hindsight, perhaps this was wrong. After all... it's nine chapters in, and Genma (damned hentai) still hasn't made an appearance. And Lady Tsunade hasn't been since since chapter one! Poor Iruka, on the other hand... In short, I took Tsunade's name out, and inserted Iruka. He deserves it at the very least, for being such a good sport for what I'm putting him through.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**Shameless Plugs:** Go vote in my poll. Go. Now. Or face my wrath. I'll sic Gai on you. Also, this Saturday (May 3rd) is free comic day! Go see your local comic shop and get free stuff. :D And to see what Lee looks like, as described below, see my profile. :D And vote. :D

* * *

Chapter 9: In which Hayate dances.

One fifteen.

Crapity crap crap crap.

Hayate sounded like he was about to hock a lung up. At least you couldn't rhyme and talk at the same time.

Iruka really, really wanted to kill Gai sometimes. Especially after the time he had told Lee that if Lee had enough patience to sit and count the strands of hair on Jiraiya's head, he would be vastly rewarded. By _what_ exactly was unsaid.

Iruka didn't really want to know, either.

Jiraiya had been so off-put by the obnoxious youth that he had threatened to summon Gamabunta to squish him, like the bushy-browed beetle he looked like. Lee had responded with a jutsu Naruto had taught him.

Nosebleeds ensued. Jiraiya had been rushed away by med-nin, something about blood loss... and the warning label on Viagra saying erections lasting more than four hours needed medical attention.

Sexy-no-jutsu Lee was _hot_.

Iruka pinched himself for thinking about it. Bad chuunin. Bad. No cookie for you.

Yes. He could really, _really_ kill Gai sometimes.

The duo came to a halt just outside the tower. Hayate wheezed. Iruka gave it his I'm-Iruka-sensei-and-you-are-_so_-dead look.

The tower, surprisingly enough, did not seem impressed by either.

Neither did the pre-genin in Iruka's classes, coincidentally.

"Here," Hayate finally managed to force out, huffing and puffing. "Kame, I could really use a beer." He coughed once, hard, and Iruka imagined that the sound in the grass was a chunk of his lung scampering away.

Ewww.

"Where to start?" Iruka mused, looking up at the foreboding structure. Lights appeared in a few of the windows, but he could detect no movement within the lit rooms. _Duh_, he thought to himself. _They're ninja, too_.

"To Raidou I can lead you, I'm hungry and like stew? No, er... oh yeah! Thankfully, at sunrise, I can speak normally, too!" Hayate beamed at his semi-clever rhyme.

Iruka's headache was coming back in full force, in spite of the aspirin he took less than an hour previous.

His watch read quarter to two.

Mega crap.

Iruka shuddered. The sooner he got this over with, the sooner he could put himself out of his misery. Why, oh why, was he the only normal ninja in all of Konoha?

He better damned well be getting a nomination for Ninja of the Year.

Or else.

Something clicked.

"Hayate, you know where Raidou is? Without speaking, can you bring me there?"

The swordmaster bobbed his head, obediently, sighing in obvious relief at not having to come up with a contrived rhyme.

"Is Genma there? Answer in the same way."

A shake to the negative. Crap.

"But if Raidou is there, Genma is likely to be somewhere close by..."

Another nod, followed by a cough.

Hayate looked like he was doing the Chicken Dance or the Macarena with all the bobbing and shaking he was doing. Well, really, it could be an imitation of almost any party dance, except perhaps the Electric Slide. There was no way his movements could be mistaken for the Electric Slide.

Iruka wished his subconscious would stop pointing these things out to him. They were more disturbing than they were worth.

Everyone knew. It was a scientific fact. _Ninja did _not_ dance._

He decided to plow ahead in the conversation. Perhaps that would save the dredges of his sanity.

"So how do you get in?"

Hayate smirked. "Follow me, if you please... my, its nice out with the breeze."

Iruka scrubbed his hand across his face. "Wait. Hayate, you took sign in the Academy, right?"

A nod.

Iruka grinned, looking like a jackolantern. "Answer in scout sign. It'll save us all some aggravation. Now, do I want to know how _you_ know where Raidou is?"

The tokubetsu jounin launched into a series of hand signs, which Iruka took a few moments to puzzle out. It wasn't his fault that the sign for 'rhinoceros' and 'pig-fucker' were the same. However, since the conversation pertained to Genma, 'pig-fucker' was, of course, the accurate translation.

Iruka's jaw dropped. "Are you serious?"

"Crap" echoed loudly across Konoha.

* * *

Iruka _hated_ chakra control exercises. It was specifically why he didn't teach tree- or water-walking in his Academy classes.

So walking up the side of a tower at two in the morning was definitely not his cup of tea. Now or ever. Especially with a wheezing Hayate behind him. Now, don't get Iruka wrong. Hayate was like a brother to him. But the constant wheezing kinda creeped him out. It was like having a pedophile watching you.

Especially when he kept coughing up little chunks of _lung_.

Ewwww.

Hauling himself up the last few feet onto the windowsill, Iruka extended a hand back and pulled the still-wheezing Hayate after him.

Oh my. What he had been told was true.

Raidou didn't look happy. Not at all.

And that was impressive, since he was all of a foot tall.

Oh _crap_.


	10. In which Iruka gets ridden like a pony

**Author's Note**: Since I have yet to hear Raidou's name actually _spoken_ (unless I'm just a dork and missed it), I had to take some liberties with this. I pronounce Raidou as "Ray-doh" - yes, rhymes with Play-Doh. If anyone has any other suggestions or insight on this, please let me know. :D

Also, apologies in advance for a chapter chock-full of just plain wrongness.

**Disclaimer**: Not mine.

* * *

Chapter 10 – In which Iruka gets ridden like a pony.

Raidou glared up at him, his scar making him look even more pissed than he was. And he was _very_ pissed.

Iruka wordlessly pulled his aspirin bottle out.

After throwing back the final two tablets, he put the empty bottle on the counter.

Raidou was standing on the aforementioned counter, arms folded, looking almost adorably cute, save his death-glare. His entire self – everything from sandals to vest to his kunai were now Barbie sized. The aspirin bottle came up nearly to his knee.

Iruka couldn't help himself. "Raidou, you're the size of a Barbie." He giggled.

Hayate chortled. "Come on Barbie, let's go party!"

A kunai the size of a pen cap appeared in Iruka's vest, a matching on in Hayate's palm. Honestly, they both had known better. It had been too easy.

But it was still funny as hell, though.

Raidou, if possible, looked even more pissed.

A quick glance at Iruka's watch. Two twenty. Mega crap.

The chuunin sighed. "Rai, do you know where Genma is?" No mention on Raidou's... little... problem.

Raidou cutely folded his arms as he sat on the edge of the counter, legs hanging off into space. "You mean the dumb bastard who left me like this? The stupid hentai prick who should know better than to practice a new jutsu on a sleeping person?" The normally calm tokubetsu had started off in a normal tone, and had progressed to a shout, face red as a beet.

"That would be the same Genma that I'm talking about. Can you tell us what happened?"

Raidou sighed, not pleased. You would think a teacher would have gotten the context clues from what he had just said. "I had just gotten back from a stupid mission – some rich ass from Suna wanted ice cream from Snow. I spent two weeks casting ice jutsus on a friggin' pint of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey for a woman who's so pregnant I'm amazed she hasn't popped. So I got back and went to bed, just fell asleep on the couch, you know? I mean, hell, it's a really long trip from Snow and ice jutsu take a lot of concentration.

"A few hours later, Genma comes in, talking to himself. I'm half awake. Then he does this weird jutsu and the next thing I know, I'm smaller than Mini-Me."

Iruka nodded sagely, as if this was something that happened all the time. Well, in a way, it did. Most Academy students set themselves on fire at the very least once while learning their first fire jutsu. Even more screwed up their substitution jutsus. It was relatively common for a kid to get crossed with his practice log, which was why the Academy was very near the hospital. Logs with legs tended to scare civilians. Especially when they talked.

"Didn't he try to undo it?"

"For about three hours. Failed miserably. I think I might have actually gotten smaller. So he grabbed me, which I was _not_ too happy about, especially when he shoved me into his knapsack, goddamned hentai, and went to see Jiraiya. The old perv told Genma he would put me back to normal, but only if he would do him a... I'm pretty sure he meant 'favor' – but he said 'flavor.' What a perv."

Hayate frowned. "What is this favor of which you speak? Perhaps it will aid us find the one we seek."

Raidou, busy being the highly pissed person that he was, chose not to comment on Hayate's rhyming, and just raised an eyebrow. "I'm not entirely sure, but I do know he's back here at the tower now, and that Jiraiya is here as well."

"Know where?"

The older man rolled his eyes.

"I'll take that as a yes. All right, let's go." Iruka turned and was nearly through the door before he heard someone clear their throat. He turned back.

Raidou looked _mad_ pissed. If he wasn't a foot tall, the killing intent radiating off him would have sent even Uchiha Itachi running for cover. However, since he was indeed a foot tall, it felt like a mild rash on the back of Iruka's wrist.

"Yes?" he asked cluelessly, wishing his skull would just shrivel up like a raisin and fall off, so the pain would go away.

Obviously Iruka had been under a lot of stress, but that was definitely _not_ the right answer. Rai let him know in the form of a tiny fireball jutsu, which burned all the hair off Iruka's left arm, as well as singed his eyebrows away. As his poor mind was already over-stressed, the pain did not register, but he did think of how silly he'd look with razor burn on just one arm, and no eyebrows.

"How am I supposed to get there, dumbass?"

Iruka forgave the tokubetsu's ill-temper, given the situation.

Hayate giggled, then coughed up a piece of lung into his hand. He looked at it for a moment as if contemplating some deep, spiritual meaning. "Oh, well." He sighed, then threw back his head and swallowed the piece back down.

It was like watching someone eating a live eel, the way it looked like it slithered down his gullet.

It was gross.

"Ewwwww." Iruka and Rai both blanched.

Iruka sighed, then put the entire lung-chewy-treat-thing into a mental file labeled "Never open."

* * *

Five minutes later the trio set out, Hayate in the lead. Iruka followed close behind, Raidou straddling his neck as if he were riding a horse. His tiny hands clutched deep into Iruka's tresses, using the strands as make-shift reins. He had been about to attach shuriken to his sandals to make homemade spurs when Iruka had scooped him up and deposited him on his shoulder.

It was two forty-five.

Sunrise was in just four hours.

Crap crap crap.

He quickly explained the situation to Raidou, who thought it was highly amusing, especially in light of his own issues. Iruka had then threatened to flick him off, and the older man had shut up.

So the trio had left the small room and had headed for the only way upwards (where Jiraiya purportedly was): an access shaft.

Iruka stared down the shaft. Sharp, pointy, spiky spikes, which reminded him vaguely of Kotetsu's hair, lined the bottom. Snakes and assorted creepy crawlies wove themselves around said spikes.

Hayate looked up. Ten stories of perfectly smooth, handhold-less walls.

Raidou glared straight ahead (around Iruka's fluffy hair). Anti-chakra walls. The tree-walking technique was useless here.

"Crap," all three said simultaneously.

Really, it should have been no surprise. This was an access shaft in a _ninja_ village. Duh.


	11. In which Tonbo gets Genma's porn

**Author's Note: **Yep. Chapter 11. I'm awesome. :D

I actually got stuck halfway through this chapter. Not entirely sure why. I really want to finish it by next Friday though, in its entirety. Not too sure that's actually going to happen, but if I set completely unrealistic goals, I might actually motivate myself. Lol

cough Someone mentioned that this was ever-so-slightly AU the other day. No, really? I hadn't noticed. ;D So... in an attempt to make this person happy, ahem This story is AU, and characters might be OoC. I offer no apologies. Raidou pulls an Iruka.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

Chapter 11: In which Tonbo gets Genma's porn.

So. Yeah. Three ninja (well, two and a half, if you want to be technical and work based on height) standing, looking down a shaft. An anti-chakra shaft. Then stories of anti-chakra shaft. With bugs on the bottom.

It was part of a plot, Iruka was sure.

Iruka did not like bugs.

Not at all.

No.

He really didn't.

And yes.

It was okay for a ninja to not like bugs.

Really.

It was in the handbook.

Ninja could have phobias.

Lots of ninja had them.

Aoba was afraid of qtips. He was afraid that some one (he called the mystery being 'them') would come and ram the qtip into his skull, where it would puncture into his brain and he would bleed to death. That was why he wore sunglasses all the time, so he could tell if someone was sneaking up behind him in the reflection off the lens, qtip in hand, ready to stab.

Kurenai was scared completely _shitless_ of those little packets of moisture absorbers you find packaged with new shoes. She made Asuma go shoe shopping with her, just so he could find and neutralize the packets of evilness.

Jiraiya was afraid of paternity testing. He was so rabid about not letting anyone have access to his DNA he refused to use public restrooms. He was also afraid of broken condoms. They haunted his dreams at night.

Kakashi was absolutely of pepperoni. No one knew why. No one dared ask. If _Kakashi_ was afraid of something, it was best not to.

Tonton (ok, not really a ninja, but close enough) feared bacon, for obvious reasons.

So it was perfectly acceptable of a ninja to be phobic of bugs.

It was.

Really.

Hayate looked up again and sighed. He was trying not to say anything – not really to spite Gai, more so he wouldn't have to come up with any more rhymes.

Raidou was viciously stabbing his mini-kunai into the shoulder of Iruka's vest. He was _not_ pleased.

"Just friggin' climb the wall, pansy."

Hayate gave the little man a one-fingered salute, recognizable in every nation.

It was three am.

Crap.

Iruka fumbled around in his belt pouch, looking for his length of rope. He found it, then leaned back over the shaft. With a flip of his wrist, the rope neatly caught on the pipe conveniently located near the open doorway, ten floors up.

Hayate coughed at the triteness. He grabbed the rope from Iruka, tugged twice, and was about the swing out over the precipice before a throat being cleared stopped him.

The tokubetsu glared.

Iruka looked slightly chagrined as Hayate gave him a look that clearly said 'what _now_?'

"I, er – yeah. Um. Yeah."

Hayate didn't look impressed as he wheezed. Raidou gave mini-death-glares.

"I can't climb a rope."

The little man blew up.

"What the hell kind of a pathetic-assed ninja are you? Fucking shit hell cock monkey fucker SHIT! How did you manage to get this far in life without being able to climb a shitfucking rope? How the fucking hell did you manage to pass your chuunin exam without it? IT'S A BASIC NINJA SKILL! You know, kunai throwing, fire-starting, survival skills, shuriken trajectories, ROPE CLIMBING!" During his 'little' tirade, Raidou had been banging his fists into Iruka's hair. Due to the fluffy nature of said hair, however, Iruka couldn't feel it. Raidou trailed off into inarticulate sounds of pure rage.

Hayate just sweatdropped.

Iruka smiled sheepishly. "I had chakra. I didn't really need to learn how to climb a rope."

"You fail at life."

* * *

Ten minutes later had Hayate, with an Iruka attached to his back, dragging himself up the rope, inch by painstaking inch. Raidou had been shoved rather unceremoniously into the front of Iruka's pants, since he hadn't realized he would need pockets in his pants today.

Raidou was now trying to bite Iruka through his boxers.

Iruka could feel the bruises forming in rather sensitive places as he adjusted his grip around Hayate's neck.

The smaller man sounded like a steam engine about to explode.

The instant Hayate swung through the open doorway, he passed out in an unceremonious heap against the wall.

Strangely, Tobitake Tonbo was standing, looking out the window, sipping on a sure-to-be-alcoholic beverage. Tonbo was, of course, a connoisseur of fine alcohols. However, it was strange because Tonbo had his ever-present bandages around his face.

Iruka chose not to ask what he was looking at.

Tonbo gagged on his drink.

"Yo, Iruka. You got a something in your pocket, or you just happy to see me?" He smiled evilly.

Raidou chose that moment to unzip Iruka's pants from the inside, and crawl out of his fly. The sensation was, to say the least, rather strange.

Tonbo sweatdropped.

Hayate stayed unconscious.

Iruka zipped himself back up.

"I need your help." A quick glance at his watch. "I have three and a half hours."

Tonbo grinned. "What's in it for me?"

* * *

Five minutes later it was decided. Tonbo would receive free ramen every Friday for life, be able to shove off his D-ranks onto Iruka whenever he wanted, and have access to Genma's massive collection of porn... assuming he provided Iruka the aid he needed. Iruka readily agreed, not feeling the least bit guilty about offering up Genma's beloved porn collection.

As a side note, Genma's collection was more than that. It was more of a shrine to the notion of free love. He had so much porn, he had to stop putting it on shelves and start storing it all on scrolls. Now, he had bookcases full of scrolls, all meticulously labeled by genre, kink, and length. He even ran a library service. And that was just his video collection. He also had the largest stock of blowup dolls and flavored condoms in all of the Fire Country. And fuzzy handcuffs. He had lots of fuzzy handcuffs. You want leopard? He's got that. Tiger strips? Yep. Zebra? Oh yeah. Porcupine? One for you, one forr mom for Mother's Day.

Iruka gleefully offered Tonbo unrestricted access. Genma would have to deal. Tonbo gleefully accepted.

"So what do you need?" Tonbo took another drink. Iruka had ascertained that the older man was drinking rum and coke, and that his canteen was full of spiked iced tea.

"I need to find Genma. Or Jiraiya. Hopefully they're together, but I really need to find Genma." His headache was coming back.

Crap.

Tonbo grinned, the bandages on his face riding up his nose a tad. He looked like an evil, drunken mummy.

"I know where Jiraiya is. He came through before with somebody else with him, didn't catch who the other person was."

"Bring me there?"

Another swig of booze. "Sure. This way."

Tonbo led Iruka to a door.

It was not just any door.

It _glittered_.

It _sparkled_.

It was outlined in neon lights.

It was labeled.

'Jiraiya.'


	12. In which Jiraiya looks sexy

**Author's Note:** Chapter 12. I'm amazed at myself, still.

I'm trying to finish this story as soon as I can, but not because I'm tired of it. I love this story and the enjoyment it's giving me to write it, but at the same time, I have plots for other pieces. I really want to go and edit up ADitL:T before I post a second chapter to it. How I edit it is a little bit up in the air though… I applied to a RP, and I would use this story as background. Since we know _nothing_ of Tonbo, I can use artistic license until I'm blue in the face, lol. By the way, this is completely freestanding, and the Tonbo here has nothing to do with Tonbo in AditL.

Also – Sorry for the midget bashing.

Anyway. Chapter 12. Yes. Here.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

Chapter 12: In which Jiraiya looks sexy.

It wouldn't have been so bad, but for the glitter.

It was terribly garish. It reminded Iruka vaguely of the few times Tonbo had been allowed to dress himself on his days off from T&I. Really. Blind people shouldn't have access to colors. Fluorescent day-glow yellow in a paisley printed shirt and the orange-and-aqua (also both obscenely bright) hot pants had been the absolute worst misadventure. Tonbo had been intercepted by ANBU and escorted home to change. He had insisted it was something he was working on for Ibiki - visual torture. No one had listened to that. The hot pants saw to that.

Nevertheless, the door was even worse than that. It was Anko-ish in its awfulness. It was as if some Academy student had been let loose with a vat of glue and an endless supply of glitter.

Iruka wished sometimes that he could be color-blind.

Raidou was back up on his shoulder, and he was fingering his mini-shuriken, glaring at the flashing neon light.

Iruka could deal with the neon light. It was tame compared to the gaudiness of the rest of the door. After all, all it did was read 'Jiraiya' in an elegant, flowing script. That was survivable.

Really.

It was.

Tonbo seemed unfazed. "Don't mind the glitter. He's a bit flamboyant sometimes." The older man had finished his last drink and had moved onto the spiked tea in his canteen.

Iruka's eyebrow twitched. _Sometimes? _

"How do you know what it looks like?" he blurted out of nowhere, then clapped his hands over his mouth, amazed that he had actually said it. Everyone knew that you didn't mess with Tonbo and his disability, especially when he was drinking. The man was a legendary taijutsu master, specializing in the mystical art of Drunken Monkey Jutsu, and Drunken Midget Tossing. You didn't say something stupid unless you wanted your ass beaten. Or tossed. Drunkenly.

Tonbo took another swig.

Iruka cringed.

Raidou jumped ship, sliding down Iruka's back and climbing up Tonbo's leg. The tokubetsu wasn't stupid. He had seen the last moron who had crossed Tonbo, and had been there to pull the drunken midget out of the cement wall.

Tonbo took another swig. "You really want to know?" his voice went low, dangerous.

Iruka shook his head vigorously 'no' - being too tongue-tied to speak.

Tonbo smirked evilly. "I just know. Remember that."

Iruka shook his head vigorously 'yes'.

At that same moment, the aforementioned door-of-glittery-ness swung open. Rather, it didn't just _swing_ open; no, that did not describe the force behind the door. The door _flew_ open, as if propelled by a massively powerful wind jutsu.

And smacked straight into Tonbo.

The blind man went down.

Raidou went airborne, and flew out the open window, located conveniently in his flight path. You could hear his cutely diminished scream until it faded into the distance.

Jiraiya was in the house.

* * *

Iruka's jaw was on the floor.

Jiraiya was awe-inspiring.

The older man had combed out his massive head of white hair and had dreadlocked it. And he was wearing a purple suit.

A purple _pimp_ suit.

A purple, _velvet_ pimp suit.

And he looked _hot_.

Of course, the hotness could be attributed to the alligator shoes he was wearing. Yes, that definitely played a part. They, too, were purple.

It might have been the John Lennon glasses – with purple lenses.

Or, it could be attributed to the (need I mention) purple pimp hat with the massive purple feather hanging off the back. Iruka wondered idly where someone found a feather that big. Perhaps a pterodactyl. Albatross would have been too small. It trailed on the ground as the older man strolled forward, doing a runway walk.

Jiraiya flashed a smile to Iruka as he adjusted the jacket to his suit. The chuunin flinched away as chest hair came into view. That, at least, wasn't purple. The pure whiteness of it clashed with the suit.

Iruka wished he had more aspirin.

"Jiraiya-sensei, I have a few things to ask you," the chuunin was being obscenely polite, better safe than sorry.

"Oh do you?" Somehow, those three syllables stretched to more than twenty.

"Err, yes."

"Then please," again, the words stretched ridiculously. "Please, be my guest."

"Do you know where Genma is?"

The coy act was instantly dropped. "Why do you want to know, kid?"

Finally. Maybe he could get somewhere now.

"Because Genma stole Lady Tsunade's coffee. She wants it back by dawn, or we'll all have to suffer. I somehow got volunteered to find the damned hentai."

Jiraiya's eyebrows twitched.

"I sent Genma to get the coffee. It's part of my plot."

Iruka sweatdropped. "Your… plot?"

"Yes, my plot. If I can lure Tsunade here, I can ask her to go out with me."

"You can't be serious. Dear Kame, please tell me you're not serious."

"Of course I'm serious. I've been after that tail for forty years, and I've finally found a way to get it."

"So, where's Genma?"

"I put him under a genjutsu to get him to steal the coffee. He thinks the coffee was a scroll or some nonsense. He's in the room, talking to a chair because he thinks it's a person."

Iruka wanted to kill. "Can you release the genjutsu?"

"Can I get a piece of incredibly _fine_ ass?"

* * *

Twenty minutes later, it was four am. Three hours until dawn.

Iruka and Jiraiya formulated a secondary plot.

All Iruka had to do was get Tsunade to the tower. Then he had to get Genma free of the genjutsu, grab the coffee, and get it to Tsunade's bedside table before the sun was up.

It was doable.

Honest.

It really was.

So Iruka hoped.


	13. In Which Iruka is Most Triumphant

**Author's Note:** This is it. The end. Hope you enjoyed it (nearly) as much as I did. :) Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed or favorited or put this on their watch list. Hope you enjoy this last chapter as much as the rest.

**Disclaimer: **If it wasn't mine for the other chapters, why would it be mine now?

* * *

Chapter 13: In Which Iruka is Most Excellently Triumphant

So.

Yes.

The door glittered prettily, surrounded by marquee lights. It looked like a bad movie poster, stuck up on the side of a B-movie studio. You know, something like "Attack of the 50' Zombie Ninja with Unshaven Armpits" or something like that.

It took a few moments to process, but Jiraiya's name plate was really fuzzy leopard-skin printed fabric. It was campy beyond words.

It was _so_ very soft.

Shoring up the very last dregs of his sanity (and manliness), Iruka opened the door.

"Oh."

"My."

"Word."

His conscience, which to this point had been silent, began raging an internal battle with him, shouting evil things about stupid chuunin who needed to _not_ open strange, glittery doors that belonged to men with mad-crazy ninja skills.

Iruka, or at least the mental impression of Iruka in his own thoughts, walked up the the shouting conscience, who also looked just like Iruka, only taller, and kicked his soapbox out from underneath him.

All the furniture in the room, all the carpet, all the _wallpaper_… even the blades on the ceiling fan – everything was coated in red velvet. Voluptuous red velvet. The red velvet that usually makes appearances in either bad horror movies… or worse pornos.

And Jiraiya himself was there.

Sprawled (rather artistically, said Iruka's mind-voice) across a sofa, the Toad Sage smiled toothily. For a moment, Iruka felt like prey.

Yes, he was sprawled. Completely naked.

In his birthday suit.

In his natural form.

Commando.

Buck nekkid.

Not just mostly naked, mind you. Completely naked, as in the day he was born.

And he looked proud of himself.

His bare skin seemed to _glow_.

All of it.

Iruka had to force himself to look away. It was like passing the scene of a horrific car accident; his eyes were just morbidly fixated.

_Bad chuunin_, he mentally chided himself. _No cookie for you_.

His already traumatized mind freaked out at that thought, his mind-image rocking catatonically in the corner of his mind. Instead, he forced himself to focus on the top of Jiraiya's head, on his oh-so-fluffy hair.

Tonbo somehow knew of Iruka's dilemma, and silently slurped his rum and coke through a twisty straw.

"Um-"

Jiraiya smirked widely. "Yo."

"Um, yeah. Ok. Not to be rudely blunt or anything, but do you know where either Genma, or Tsunade's coffee, is?" He decided to cut to the point and save himself (hopefully) the aggravation. His mind-self, which had come out of his shock, giggled at his stupidity.

Jiraiya didn't answer immediately, instead stretching himself languidly.

_Wow_, the stray thought ran across Iruka's mind, and he was powerless before it. _I wonder if he bleaches his hair… 'cause that's not white like the rest…_

Tonbo fell over in a heap laughing, as if he could hear Iruka's inner monologue.

Iruka's mind-self fell over, down for the count.

The Sannin continued to stretch like a newly-woken cat. "I actually know where both are," he confided in a sultry voice.

Iruka jumped up and down and clapped his hands in glee.

"But-"

He stopped, a knot of sheer dread forming in the pit of his stomach.

In a porn-star voice that screamed 'come hither' – Jiraiya continued, arcing his back. "There needs to be something in it for _me_-"

That did it.

That one statement was the straw that broke the camel's proverbial back.

Iruka's mind broke like a piñata, only with no treats and goodies spilling out.

Tonbo, coming back into awareness, saw no Tootsie Rolls or lollipops, and decided to beat a hasty retreat.

Jiraiya had no such sense. Or time.

* * *

6:27 am.

The mission room was beyond packed. The jounin and chuunin were all buzzing in nervous excitement. Even the ANBU were present; the room bore a stricking resemblance to a zoo. The crowd spilled out in the hallway, all possessed of a morbid fascination.

Kotetsu and Izumo were there, as were Anko and Ibiki. Raidou was back to his normal height, though he still looked cranky. Hayate was busy telling Gai some of his clever rhymes, and the Mighty Beast was beaming with pride (and in Pose #648 - "Proud Parent").

The only people missing were Tsunade, Genma, Jiraiya, and Iruka.

Even Tonbo was being very hush-hush. Boar from ANBU had tried plying him with alcohol, but the chuunin waved him off, patting his canteen.

6:28.

Tsunade _poofed_ into existence behind her desk, Shizune behind. Tonton was clenched in her arms, and the aide and the pig both looked ill.

The Hokage did not speak, she merely _glowered_. Her hostility put even the ANBU on edge. Some of the younger nin were near tears. The older, more experienced (mostly kunoichi) - Kurenai, Anko, Sakura... Ebisu... all looked ready for a knock-down, claws-out catfight.

6:29.

All eyes were on the wall clock. All hearts were beating in synchronization to the tick of the second hand. It was a horrible sense of impending doom permeating the air.

6:29:15.

Sweat formed on brows, regardless of the chill of the pre-dawn morning.

6:29:30.

Tsunade's fingernails were digging not-so-miniature trenches in the arms of her chair.

6:29:42.

Shizune was clutching Tonton around his neck so tightly his eyes were popping out and his normally pink pig-skin was turning a peculiar shade of aqua.

6:29:53.

Anyone sitting was on the end of their seat.

6:29:56.

No one moved.

No one _breathed_.

No one dared twitch.

6:29:57.

6:29:58.

6:29:59.

Everyone inhaled expectantly.

6:30.

...

And nothing happened.

Kotetsu and Izumo began sobbing in terror - knowing their fate was sealed when Tsunade began her tirade.

Said Hokage smirked evilly and stood slowly, taking a deep breath to begin her rant.

6:31.

A _poof_ of chakra smoke.

And there stood Iruka.

...

A _smiling_ Iruka.

...

With a steaming pot of coffee in one hand, a mug in the other.

And all the shinobi rejoiced! There were high-fives, tears of joy, fist-pumping... and not-too-few friends turning to friends, demanding they pay up for loosing the bet.

Tsunade took the mug reverently, inhaling deeply of its nutty goodness.

Shizune had passed out behind her - her sheer relief had sent her into a blissful swoon.

"Do I even want to know?" the Lady Hokage asked after her first, calming sip.

Iruka grinned as Kakashi ducked past after patting his shoulder. "Probably not," he admitted, trying to shut out Pakkun in the background, demanding his steak. "But I'll put it all in the mission report anyway."

Tsunade nodded in hazelnut flavored bliss. "Excellent. Take the rest of the week off as a reward. Just tell Genma he's still in it when he surfaces."

The chuunin nodded, taking her statement as the dismissal it was. "I'll be sure to do that, ma'am."

He _poofed_ away.

* * *

He appeared, perched atop the Hokage Monument, in a crouch.

_The Third_, he mused, _did have a rather broad forehead_. He pulled his flak jacket off and stretched out, sunning himself in the early dawn light. There was more than enough space on the upper forehead for an entire team of shinobi to take a nap on it, should they so wish.

_And a very large nose_.

Below him, tied to either side of the late Hokage's nose, were Genma and a now-clad Jiraiya. Both were gagged (and quite pissed), but Iruka found that he just didn't care. He had called in some favors from Ibiki (read: threatened to blackmail with pictures of Ibiki's "happy" elephant) to make sure the ropes were chakra-proof... and on a timing mechanism.

By the time the timer went off, Iruka had every intention of being somewhere not so close.

His report, however, would be in Tsunade's hands... and it would include the location of her public enemies one and two.

Iruka smiled as he shut his eyes.

Yep.

Today would be a good day to take a nice, relaxing break.


End file.
